Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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