Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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