if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
