I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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