Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
What a dumb baby whore.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
