I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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