I'm eating all of the evidence.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
