You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I supernannyed him into submission
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
