living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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