saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
