He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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