i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
