last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
