I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
