Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize