Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
We smell like vodka and hangover
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