Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
i now understand why vodka
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
