Fuck appropriateness.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize