Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
