She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
