Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
As shirtless as possible
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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