Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
