I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
