you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
