you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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