ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
