you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
