Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
