I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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