I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
