you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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