the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
pop tarts are not kleenex
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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