My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
