Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
