She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
