I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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