Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
