dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
