I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
