just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
