11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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