WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
