I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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