I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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