Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Randomize
