I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
