i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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