There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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