sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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