My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
