We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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