I haven't been this sober since birth.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize