When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
