don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
