Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
