Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
