My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
