I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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