the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
are you so shy because you have an std?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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