hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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