in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
